Princess Maker 2 is NOT Pornography

WARNING: The content ahead is NSFW and contains images not suitable for minors.

We have all played them, and by them I mean Japanese dating sims that may or may not have porn in them (but yes, mostly ones with porn). I can pretty much guess what your first experiences might have been: True Love 95, X-Change, or if you're a special kind of deviant; Bible Black or heaven forbid (and may the lord have mercy on your soul), Heartwork (not linking that one, sorry folks).

As clean as Heartwork gets, it's all a downward slope into madness after this.

They are visual novels that change depending on answers selected throughout. As they got more in depth, some would include stat management, and even mini-games for you to perfect before you were presented with glorious, pixel tits. While these types of games were prevalent in Japan the first time a samurai bred an octopus with an abacus, they weren't really a thing in the West -- until the Internet. Yup, that thing has screwed it up for all of us.

"Haha, fooled you asshole!" - Loli Bitch

So there you are, you just watched an episode of the dubbed Sailor Moon, played a translated NES ROM after downloading it on your dial-up modem, everyone is asleep -- maybe it's time for a little personal bishop flogging and the thing you heard about: hentai. So a few searches on Hotbot or Lycos later, and you have discovered it, hentai GAMES. One of the titles stands out, Princess Maker 2. Well that seems...interesting. So you start the download and then go watch some...whatever was on late night TV in the late 90s, and a few hours later, you can start your journey into sword & sorcery smut. Instead...no. It's all about stats, and mini-games...and actual RPG grinding? WHAT THE HELL INTERNET!? WHERE'S MY NASTY PIXEL SEX!?

Now before you get all pissed off, yes, there is some nudity in this game. Just, very little and not the kind you were hoping for -- instead, it's heartbreaking. Let me explain.

Pictured: Not Hentai

Princess Maker 2 was created by Gainax originally on the PC-98 and DOS platforms around 1993. At some point, a company called SoftEgg leaked a fully translated version on the Interwebnets and thus a legend was born. Why they did this all has to do with distribution rights and legal matters, but that's got nothing to do with why you are playing this game.

The story of PM2 is this: A hero saved the human race from utter annihilation by the gods. This same hero then was charged by the heavens to take care of young seed dropped from there. This seed becomes his daughter, and her guardian will be watching her progress. So the player assumes the role of a father to the blessed daughter of the heavens. For the next eight years (ages 10-18), the hero will nurture and guide her in the path of the player's own choosing.

But there are catgirl fights.

So name your daughter, answer a few questions and she gets aligned with a deity that matches up with the zodiac more or less. This will influence her stats, and that's the biggest part of the game -- less fapping, more stat management. It is possible to choose the path of the zodiac-influenced daughter by scheduling her to jobs and schools, which will raise her statistics (strength, combat skills, cooking, faith, etc.) Each month allows the player to designate three different tasks for her to follow. Balancing between character development, stress level, health and financial income is the focus of this game. Some tasks giveth, and some taketh away from stats; so unless you spend some time on GameFaqs to try and push your daughter into any of the 74 different endings (yes, 74) there's no real indication of what you're going to end up with unless you play it a few dozen times.

And you will.

Princess Maker 2, once you get past the fact that you downloaded it originally to fire off some knuckle children; is a well built and immersive game. While most of the action takes place in the various menus (with animated scenes of jobs playing out below), there is some traditional overhead RPG...ing, to be had as well. Provided your daughter is strong enough, you can earn gold by adventuring. It's not easy, but once you learn the maps, the unique and sometimes triggered events as well as monster weaknesses, this is a good way to earn coin, items and put your daughter down the path of one of the warriors endings.

It's totally reasonably to send your 12 year old,
 goddess born daughter into the swamps.

There's a little bit of everything here, from schooling (art, dancing, fighting) to jobs (babysitting, hunting, even a little tavern dancing on tables) and loads of NPCs to interact with and sometimes be challenged by. While the game is relatively short (taking only a few hours to complete a story), as quick as it ends you'll want to pop back in and try for another ending. Endings are also as varied as everything else in this game. Sure, you could be the titular princess, or a bar keep, a divorcee, and then along comes the light bit of nudity when you sin (one of the stats) too much and find yourself becoming a harlot. That's right, dad -- you raised the medieval version of a cam-whore.

After each play through, you are judged by the gods and they tell you what you did to lead your daughter down the path of righteousness or sin, giving you some hints as to how to get different endings. It still blows me away, 74 unique endings. Back in 1993 we were lucky to have more than a "Thanks for Playing" at the end of a game and a tap to the nuts after, but 74?!

She's gonna whup those chubby cherubs.

Now, the reason this game gets a bad rap is for two main reasons. First off, the aforementioned reason you downloaded this in the first place on your shitty 486 Compaq Presario -- you thought it was porn. Secondly, Princess Maker 2 actually helped spawn the visual novel concept in the west; it truly was the first game to gain our attention. This of course spawned all sorts of knock-offs, primarily Slave Maker (again, not linking it). So those associations will make you want to play this all by yourself, in a dimly lit room, with the monitor pointed at an angle and your webcam unplugged. But don't. There's no reason for it! 

Princess Maker 2 is pretty much considered abandonware at this point and can be found all across the Internet with included trainers to help with stat hacking. I suggest just going to GameFaqs, learning a little about how the game works (because I barely scratched the surface here) and then playing through a few times to see which endings you discover. There's no perversion or shame to be had by playing this lost gem; just as long as you know what you are getting into.

Okay, maybe a little perversion.