Furries & Fantasy: Dungeons & Dragons Introduced me to Boobs

WARNING: The content ahead is NSFW and contains images not suitable for minors.

Back where I grew up, like most nerdy kids my age, the library was like a second home to me. I would spend hours browsing books -- at that time usually something about the paranormal or UFOs. This was also the time Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was becoming popular and the library had a few of the original comics in graphic novel form behind the counter. Behind the counter of the library was sort of a legendary place, where they kept non-traditional or risque books. If you were brave enough (a small feat for a young, socially-awkward fellow such as myself) you could ask to go behind and see what sort of mysteries lay within.

What would come next would be my first foray into the world of Dungeons & Dragons...and tits.

They had quite the collection of 1st Edition books, and the covers caught my attention. I had no idea about table top roleplaying, only that among my more Jesus inclined friends that it was the path to drinking goat blood and dancing naked with Satan. Well, my 13 year old self thought that was rad as fuck and I signed out not only the TMNT books, but the 1st edition Monster Manual, Fiend Folio and the legendary, Deities & Demigods.

Boobies *clap clap clap!*

I went through the monster books first, seeing all these stats for creatures, and awesome old school art. I loved it! Then when I got to Deities, I learned about all these higher beings and...breasts. Lots and lots of breasts.

Now imagine yourself, a 13 year old boy, the cusp of puberty, at one moment fascinated by this sort of "game" that was being presented to you with fantastical beasts, far out lore, captivated only to walk into a set of honkin' handbags? I would call you a damn dirty liar if you didn't rock a chub.

Funny thing about Aphrodite; her female clerics had to be 15+ Charisma and males needed 16+ Constitution. Get it?

Needless to say, my mind was blown...and maybe a little something else, but as I dove deeper into the book I would discover other things about breasts, things that are best left in a secret warehouse beside the Arc of the Covenant and the Rosswell alien autopsy reports. Long before the Internet ruined everything for everyone, I found furry porn.

A highly impractical dress.

Catgirls are nothing new nowadays, I am sure most millennials could say "neko" long before "mom". I actually have a friend online who roleplays a wrestling neko. Okay, I try not to judge (since I am currently writing about cat boobs). However, in 1991 this was not a thing; this was like discovering a car in Dark Ages. Okay, maybe I exaggerate but look at that picture of the Cat Goddess Bast -- her perfectly sculpted sweater puppies (kittens) just hanging out for all of the world to see. There is no denying that TSR (the original creators of Dungeons & Dragons) had sat down during the planning of this book and one of them, the thickest neck beard of the bunch started presenting drawings.

Presenter: "This is Bast, the Egyptian Goddess of cats."
Gary Gygax (Maybe): "Looks really good, I like her...wait, why is she topless? Why are her tits so...perky...luscious...perfect little nipples..."
Presenter: "Oh, yeah, well it was just a sketch. I'll add on clothing later."
Gary Gygax (Probably): No no...*collects some papers*...no need, we'll go with that. They were all naked back then anyhow. Err, I gotta use the John, meeting adjourned.

And just like that, D&D players discovered furry porn.

Some say fertility, I say boners.

This book was warping my perception of reality. Like any young teen (well most semi-normal ones), porn was something I knew about. Almost everyone had "that uncle" who had a stash of gnarly old Playboys in the closet somewhere, or late night Cinemax when your parents were asleep, but that was just normal porn (unless you had a really fucked up uncle). Seeing hand drawn breasts with a cat face brought about feelings of confusion, sweating, and no doubt from a few -- tracing. I actually hid this mother fucker from my family to avoid questions and awkward dinner conversations. Now I knew why this sort of thing was hidden behind the counter.

I am actually pretty sure the library knew exactly what they were signing out to me that day. As I walked out I swear I could smell sulfur and hear hooves clomping.

This book didn't just have catgirl tits, it went into much darker territory. Isis picture to the left? Oh, she was nothing. What would come next would alter my reality forever:

Wardrobe malfunction level 20.

The Maiden of Pain, Goddess of Hurt. Yes, ladies and gentlemen -- we're now into BDSM territory. Her symbol? A cat o' nine tails. It's no wonder that the nerds of my generation grew up so messed, furries, S&M, and cartoon porn. With shit like this it's hard not to see why people thought that D&D players were all devil worshiping cultists.

Heck, I had another friend that used the name "Loviatar" as an online handle, and believe me when I say folks -- her sex life did involved ball-gags, chains, and safe words. I think hers was "Cookie Crisp".

But TSR wasn't quite done exposing me to kinks yet. Long before Japan became associated in North America with tings that are not penises entering women, we had Cthulhu.

More importantly, what the fuck is up with her hat?

This is where the legend of Deities & Demigods enters D&D lore. In this 1st Edition books were 3 pantheons dedicated to copyrighted work from other authors/companies. In the case of the above image, the Cthulhu mythos. Urban legend says that later editions removed these pantheons for reasons such as TSR didn't want to promote other game companies or lawsuits or some shit. While I am not 100% sure of what happened; what I do know is that for some reason we all believed that this was the most rare book in existence, fetching prices of hundreds of dollars.

Well, I am not here to talk about money. I'm here to tell you that Yog-Sothoth (and I quote): "When he takes shape on the Prime Material Plane he is partly material and partly astral and appears as a gigantic mass of feelers, legs, and stalked organs. In this shape he will mate with human beings, producing the Spawn of Yog-Sothoth." READ: Tentacle porn.

So now we have gone from sexy, human breasts, to catgirls, and into the realm of nightmare fuel. Well, what comes next is probably the actual reason this book was changed in later editions.

Nice axe?

So it's a skeleton you say, what's the big deal you ask? Well click on that thumbnail. The artist went to great lengths to give the nearly invisible form of the skeleton...nipples.  This is the art of a serial killer. Invisible nipples are what Charles Manson sees when he closes his eyes. I understand the wanting to show a human form over the skeleton, that's what the creature is all about -- but why did it have to be female? better question -- why nipples? Just...WHY!?

In this day and age, nothing is shocking anymore. The Internet has desensitized us to nudity and violence (and skeleton nipples), so my generation will be the last to be shocked. That being said, back then these books were kind of a big deal, a dirty secret that if your parents caught you reading it, you would flip to another page and quickly ramble about Zeus. But as soon as they left the room, you flipped back to Bast or Isis, staring at supermodel breasts and wondering what it all meant. It's an existential experience, confusing and thought provoking; but it did do one other thing than giving you the world's most awkward boner -- it sparked the imagination.

So it wasn't all that bad right?

Now excuse me, I am going to download a bunch of Digimon porn and choke myself with my belt.